How to bathe a cat…

Once in a while the dangerous and comical occasion arises in which you must bathe a cat. And when this adventure unfolds for you, there is a short but telling sequence of events that I strongly suggest you follow to insure your success and to ensure you don’t get maimed!

1. Select a Maine Coon cat because although they are enormous, often weighing 25 plus pounds…they tend to like water. And, by like, I mean they will play with the surface water of your bubble bath or koi pond. They have been known to dive right in for a frolick. So, they are a simpler suspect.

2. Have a glass of icy cold Albariño or maybe a strong vodka soda on the rocks to prepare yourself for the ensuing drama or trauma.

3. Give the cat pet Rescue Remedy (kitty booze) or Calms Forte to settle his nerves and take the edge off.

4. Trim the cat’s claws, front paws and back….the front paws are easier and the rear paws may call for another shot of vodka for you and maybe some more Rescue Remedy for the cat.

5. Reconsider the necessity of the cat bath while sipping on your vodka…then commit and dig in!

6.  Fill your kitchen sink with warmer than room temperature water with a squirt of kitty shampoo. It helps to have a sink with a tall faucet and a sprayer.

7. Don’t bother wearing elbow length rubber gloves to protect your skin from scratches and bites…it won’t work.

8. Seduce the cat with a gentle and cooing voice as you pet him and reassure him that you’d never terrorize him by giving it a bath.

9. Consider one more dose of vodka and kitty booze before you plop the cat into it’s custom tailored bubble bath. Hold the cat firmly in the water as you gently scrub him all over as fast as you possibly can. Obviously the cat will be furious and a squirming wet mess of claws and teeth.

10. Pull the drain and rinse the cat quickly with warm water and the sprayer. If you are lucky the cat will still be in the sink and not high-tailing it across the room to dive under your bed or couch.

11. Wrap the cat in a giant, warm towel, and very carefully and gently rub him a bit to extract the water from his sopping wet fur.  Trade the wet towel for a dry one and repeat as necessary…if you are brave, you can attempt to blow dry the cat but it my experience that is where the biting and scratching reached its pinnacle.

12. Release the poor traumatized animal and hope and prey he doesn’t stalk you in your sleep planning your untimely demise for weeks and weeks to follow.

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